December 10, 2016
Where there is light, there is also darkness. I have darkness within me as well. Yes, this sucks. I feel as though my body is worsening. Numbness and pain is not enjoyable. Its getting old, quickly. I know we all die, and no one knows when, but am I supposed to be “preparing” my children? I don’t know. Lately, a lot of good and long time friends have been coming from afar to visit me. Last goodbyes? “Well, she was a good ‘ol gal!”
So hard not to go there.
Night-time is dark for me. That’s when I cry. Waking my husband to rub my gaunt, weak legs that were once so capable and beautiful, is so sad. Yet, my mind is still open to learning from this, I’m just getting so tired.
I am weak right now, therefore, I am scared. My human self is suffering and I do not know what my future holds for me. Yes, this is dark, and I still believe in the light. But the two have to exist for Balance.
Life is beautiful even when we struggle 
Love you.
You are such a positive person and I feel light radiating from you. God has you in the palm of his hands. Praying for you sister every single day. I understand all that you are feeling to well. xoxoxo
if all the love people have for you could make you better I guarantee you would be the healthiest woman alive. You are in my thoughts and heart every day. ❤️
Kaci
This is such a hard blog to respond to.
You are on the mind of so many people praying and hoping for the best. We would all love to have magic wands, but we don’t. Just remember how many lives you have touched and hopefully made us a little wiser, more compassionate and loving
Still in my prayers and sending so much love to you, sweet Michael and your precious girls
Hugs, Darragh
Love you, brave warrior woman! I wish we could push the darkness away and make it all light again. I’m glad you have so many friends trying to help keep your light shining. It makes being brave just a little easier. So much love!
Thinking of you often, Kaci! Your struggle is so real and I have learned so much from your strength and courage! Thanks for being you and being beautiful! Keep fighting!
Kaci, yes. I hear you.
I have just begun reading a book by Thich Nhat Hanh – No Mud, No Lotus, The Art of Transforming Suffering. He begins with a discussion related to your thoughts – the light, the dark .. . I will copy some of it and bring to you if you’d like.
Stay strong Kaci. Keep focused on the light and be comforted by all those who love you and are holding you in their hearts. It’s impossibly hard and relentless, but we won’t give up on you. ❤️✨❤️✨❤️
Dear sweet Kaci….. You are the strongest, most inspirational person I know. I along with so many people are sending you strength and love to get you through this. Can’t imagine how hard this all must be…..stay strong, see the light, be the light. Lean on those that love you ❤️
Teri
There are so many of us thinking of you, dear Kaci. We are all learning from your immense courage. Whatever this journey is-you are the epitome of grace and light-and always will be.
My Kaci love — It pains me more than you can know that you have to go through this. I keep sending out love vibes, prayers (and I’m not a prayer), positive light . . . You are one of the strongest people I know. Michael and the girls are so lucky to have you — you have taught them well. Stay strong in your heart, dear Kaci. So, so much love coming your way.
Even the strongest women have moments of fear… fear does not equate weakness nor negativity. What you are facing is perhaps the greatest fear of all. I know that I am just a flash from a past time many years ago, but your battle and your strength and courage and determination have struck a very personal chord with me, as both my step dad, and then my precious and beloved brother Scot were both diagnosed with brain cancer in 2015. I have been following your journey closely, and have often shared with my mom and step dad valuable information I have gleaned from your posts. Most of all being your strength, humor and love for life and family. Please do not be hard on yourself, you are simply spectacular.
Kaci, your honesty is a gift, find comfort where you can, you are loved
I am filled with love and pain, light and dark
every time I think of you… which is daily. Perhaps they balance each other out…?Perhaps one can’t exist without the other…?
I don’t know. But I wish for you only love & light Kaci! You have spread so much love & light to every person who has ever met you!
You are on an incredible journey… such a trying & painful journey. Through it all, you continue to amaze and inspire me with your grace.
Sending you love, light, strength & courage sweet Kaci💞
This is the time of year where light and candles are such an important presence in our lives, full of hope and faith in what’s ahead. Many of our lights are shining brightly to gather strength for you Kaci…
Take my strength, friend. Xoxo I’m hear with you in spirit, thinking about you and just really wishing I could twitch my nose and transport. We’d crank up some Sade’ and get that garlic in the oven, that’s for darn sure. PBR, a nice red, whatever you like, friend, cheers to you, beautiful, multi-faceted you. Be in this darkness without any expectation. Your children and your husband will show you some light. Warriors need to go inward to regain strength. And, like I said, here is mine. All your friends from so many experiences in so many places are giving you theirs too. We are channeling strength to you.
Love you Kaci!
Dearest Kaci, I am sending you so much love and Reiki. I will talk with you in the next few days. Sending big love to Michael and the girls and your precious family. So much love is surrounding you, my Dear One. I just had a thought: I am going to start singing to you at night before I go to bed…messages from the Ancestors. Love love love.
I thought of you when I read this today:
( Part of) Ode to the Onion
by Pablo Neruda
….You make us cry without hurting us.
I have praised everything that exists,
but to me, onion, you are
more beautiful than a bird
of dazzling feathers, you are to my eyes
a heavenly globe, a platinum goblet,
an unmoving dance
of the snowy anemone
and the fragrance of the earth lives
in your crystalline nature.
“Who does that which is hard…she who is able.”, Hey sweet Kauci, just something that has helped me in tough times, much love and mushy thoughts coming at you.
Kaci, wishing you inner strength when your body is weak, and believing the pure courage and love in your heart will always be with you to carry you through when your mind and body is tired. Even when feeling darkness within you, believe me, you are a light in the darkness to me and so many others. Holding you in my own heart and breathing compassion for you through this unfathomably difficult journey.
❤
Dearest Kaci, Night is hard. No distractions from the pain and worry. Last night I needed help so I let Soygal Rinpoche talk to me through the magic of the mini ipad Beth and Gregg gave me. He punctuates his points with giggles. Reminds me of the Dalai Lama. You are right; it’s about balance. When the dark starts to take precedence, I actually look for a part of my body that is light. Sometimes I am drawn to my toes! Amazingly, I can start to giggle – silently – at my predicament. Honoring my “toes”? Who would have thought… . And then I think of you; I honor you….and I fall asleep. Much love.
Thinking of you!!!
Thank you for writing, Kaci. You have always been an incredible person to look up to and admire, and your honesty and openness is something I respect whole heartedly. Bend is lucky to have you.
Love to you and your family Kaci. Think of you often and pray for your serenity.