April 1, 2016
“Shit” is what I said when my oncologist told me there are some “new developments”. Is this an April fools joke? I wish I could say it was but I guess it’s another stepping stone for me to gain wisdom from.
I was riding so high, feeling so full of spirit, love and light. Every cell in my body was singing “Right ON”. Knocked off my high horse, wallowing in the mud. I need to wallow right now. A sweet friend enlightened me with this reminder, “No mud, No lotus”.
I am so blessed in so many aspects of my life, especially my friends and family. The calls, the messages, the support. It gets a bit overwhelming at times, but then I have to think of the souls who are going thru the same shit storm who are doing it alone.
Even though I may not respond, I read every single word of encouragement and place it gently in my bag of tricks deep within my heart.
I’VE. GOT. TO. STAY. ON. COURSE.
I pray and meditate asking for guidance to hold my hands, mind, spirit… to give me the strength, persistence and belief to stay on this positive path. Please pull me out of this muddy trench. Believe, Kaci, that this will not take you away from your family, my little girls, my sweet husband.
It is so hard to rise back up and envision what I was just a few days ago. All I see is myself withering away in a dark medicated room with a morphine drip slowly soothing my dying cells…
NO NO NO
I cannot and will not accept this vision.
I HAVE TO STAY ON TRACK.
I will pull thru somehow.
Finding joy in my day is near impossible, right now. I want to let EVERYTHING GO, right now. I want to run away, right now. I want to hide under the covers, right now. I want to yell out “SCREW IT ALL!”, right now. Nothing matters, right now.
But, all those feelings are just right now. And they will pass. I will not hold onto them and become a victim of this disease. I WILL persevere and keep inspiring people to love themselves deeply and to see the beauty in every healthy cell and every laugh, every hug, every sunrise and sunset, every new day you have.
What a gift
Don’t waste it
Life is beautiful even when we struggle 
Love you Kaci, I look forward to our next outing. I appreciate your bravery and spirit in the face of this epic challenge. You are an inspiration. Peace, Dan
You fill my heart, dear Kaci. If anything, your daughters are learning how to be strong women through your examples. I am wishing you Joy, love and happiness to fill your days.
All the love light and breath you need coming your way, Michael’s way, the girls, your sisters, and parents.
Kaci, as I read your latest post, in my mind’s eye I see the beautiful, gracefully, sun filled face of the woman at your wedding. “Come be the clown at my wedding” you said. “It will be fun”. “You will make people happy”. An amazing woman filled with love – love for everyone on her day of love, sharing even more love. Amazing.
Thank you Kaci for your wise words. You are beautiful, I miss you and I wish you the love of the universe …..and more
I am always inspired by your strength, persistence, love, sorrow, and bravery! Hang in there and keep on fighting! Here is something a dear friend shared with me and I hope it something that can help you during this time. Sending love and prayers to you and the family! http://www.amazon.com/Anatomy-Spirit-Seven-Stages-Healing/dp/0609800140
I am praying for you!! Sending you strength, love, light and faith,
You would be surprised to know how far and bright your light shines… those moments of darkness are only shadows, and your light will prevail.
Much love to you.
Jill Nichols
Much love to you from West Africa, Kaci. I am hoping to take a massive road trip this summer with my son Ben. We’ll see how far we can get…. You are on my mind every day and I am so fortunate to have worked at WEG with you. Holly
Hi Kaci
Remember when we went backpacking in the Sierra. Your pack was heavy and full of positive energy. Sean and I did a trip with you outside of bishop, where unowned call home. After our short trip. We drove down towards town but left you in the high country.
You wanted to go solo from there to Yosemite. I will never forget how quiet it was on the drive home. Sean gave me a look somewhere around Lone Pine…. His face said it all “Kaci is a badass. She has something we are never gonna have”. Kaci no one person gets to choose their path. Some just have bigger mud puddles.
That October I arrived in Yosemite valley excited to see you and climb. You were nails. You had become who I wanted to be. A real mountain freak!!!!
Hugs to the family
Dear Kaci, there is yin there is yang, there are mountains and valleys, there are sun rises and sun sets, high tides and low tides, breathe in and breathe out, I send you peace and hope and light. Stay the course, of course you will.
The morning Kaci was to get the results of her brain MRI, I kept a smiling face while my stomach churned…I was leery of the outcome. When she called, her voice tenor validated the feeling in my heart. The next morning we went for a run along the beautiful Deschutes River Trail. Since she’s so much faster these days than I am, I told her to run ahead and I would meet her coming back.
We met some forty minutes later on the trail, and ran slowly back home. During my run a warm feeling overcame the darkness in my heart as if the Lord had silently spoken to me saying, “Don’t worry, Kaci will be allright”. When I mentioned this to Kaci, she broke into a surprised smile. “Dad”, she exclaimed, “I felt the same warm comfort and feeling during my run”.
With lighter hearts we jogged together the remaining 3/4 of a mile home…
Kaci, check out the Optimum Health Institute. It WORKS! like magic! I love you!
you are a gift your divine transference lifts higher following frequency up lovely floating to the surface of this you real woman you are Kaci
Kaci, you are an inspiration to all. Thank you.
Much love.
breaking open……..letting the light in……..
I love you
Love you Kaci.
I love you Kaci
Oh Kaci! You are in my heart and thoughts every day! You will persevere!!
Oh sweet friend you never cease to amaze me. You’re so brave, honest, and sooooooo loved. Thank you for sharing your journey, please let your sharing take away some of the weight of it all. We send big love to you, Michael, Riley and Cassafrass.
You ARE on track and You will STAY on track. Because: You are power. You are light. You are love.
We are shooting you rays of energy ~while you sleep~ from across the world.
Dear Kaci – Your honesty and willingness to share – really is a gift to us! The highs & lows of your journey push me to be better. Your words push me to pursue greatness in myself & to never give up. You are the dandelion that I told you about last year. Your energy spreads so far and wide and deep! I love you!! Xoxoxo Joanna