October 10, 2015
I’ve been in a dark place as of late. Just getting caught up in the things I don’t have answers for. Is this really my fate? To live an amazing and rich life and then to have it taken away by disease? To leave my children with no mother? What kind of twisted joke is this? Yes, I am trying to stay strong and positive for myself and everyone around me. Joking and making light of it all seems to be my way of dealing. But, in reality this is not good in any way, shape or form. I have been given many gifts throughout this nightmare, but it feels like its gaining strength over me.
I’m fucking exhausted
Is this it? Will I die from this disease? Will I live a long life? Will my children be left mother-less?
I want to live, but I don’t know if I will. The unknown is the hardest part.
Will I see my girls grow up into women? I don’t know, no one knows. All I know is I have to beat this.
I was starting to not believe in myself and giving in a little. I felt so alone, and in a way, I am! Only I can do this. All the love I received on the ‘go fund me’ sight, which my big sis, Andrea, set up, was truly inspirational. Seeing everybody’s support…close friends and family, forgotten friends and family, even total strangers…………filled me with so much of your prayers and your total belief in me, it was just what I needed to propel me into kicken’ some booty again!!!!
Thank you all for the fire!
Life is beautiful even when we struggle 
I know you think you’re in this alone, and of course, you are. It’s your body. But at the same time, we are all in this with you, Kaci dear. There isn’t one of us who wouldn’t drop everything if it meant it would help you. I say this because I want you to feel it all the way through your body, your soul, your cells. Kick ass, Kaci.
Goddammit, you are eloquent. That’s the thing about life, huh…no one knows except the mystery itself. I wish you all the quantum healing the universe has to offer, Kaci.
We look into
the abyss
daily
whether we know or not
sometimes
it’s hidden behind
smiles, hugs, behind happiness
we think we have, the abyss
never leaves never goes
away is always…just…there
sometimes it’s
a yawning black hole of
death despair the sad darkness
of souls that don’t know
the abyss is nothing but
tomorrow, the future
death
birth life and all we have
to know the abyss, to
accept, learn
love
the abyss
is to know accept learn
love
ourselves
because what happens
is going to happen
regardless and the only
the only
thing that gets
left behind…is the particular
stain
we leave on souls
of the people we love
learn accept
when we clearly see
their abyss
next to ours
darling you got that CUSTER DNA blaze on thru this with the mighty love of true authentic Kaciness
Kaci – I can’t pretend I know how you feel. This is your body & your journey. It is a brutal, unfair attack on you, your body, & your family. BUT I need to say that I see one STUNNING Kaci – a strong woman, a beautiful soul, an ass kicker! Of course the unknown is terrifying. Yet you did not let the dark thoughts overcome you in the shadows – you shared them! You’re not afraid to share your heart & now light is beaming on your dark thoughts. We will send you specific prayers & white light specific to your post. I love you!!!!!! Xoxoxo Love, Joanna
It’s okay to have moments of doubt and go into the depths. Sometimes it can help to propel you to the light. Jokes and brushing it all off have a fine place too. We’ll all stand with you in this fight, Kaci. Be as strong or as fragile as you need to be. Thanks for letting us in.
YOU are the LIGHT. YOU are the LOVE. Its perfectly acceptable to dive down to the drain occasionally. Especially when you are run down and dealing with all the drug’s side effects. The wheel will come back around and send you spinning back into the day! Know deep within your heart that you are the most amazing role model any daughter could dream up. You’ve set them up for success. No matter what happens, the LOVE you share with them WILL last eternally. LOVE YOU KACI XOXO
Don’t worry about all that. The only decision you have to make is what you are going to do today. The rest will come. I’m here if you need me.
Hold on sister you can keep moving forward. You are the power, you have the strength.
You are power and strength! Don’t give in fight, fight, fight.
Your Kaci a beautiful warrior!!!
I love you. Seize the Day.
Tina
Beaming you light and strength sister. You will come through the rapids to smooth, calm waters…
Sharing your emotions, thoughts, fears, hopes, and dreams- dark or light. You are bringing in all the support and love we all have for you, WHICH IS BIGGER THAN ANY OF US. Love to you- we are sending healing sunshine light your way sweet and wise woman.