February 5, 2014

There are events that happen in a person’s life that truly change the course in which you thought you had the driver’s seat. For better, for worse, that is a choice. Becoming a mother was my first big event that changed me for the better, of course. Sure, I was still Kaci K, KC-DC, Special K, Que Si (what/yes), Kacita, Madame Butterfly…, but birthing a child, my child, our child, gave me a new layer, like a chrysalis. I, myself, had to go thru a birthing process to become a mother. This took time. I was not able to let go of “guide-ski-bum-no responsibility-Kaci”. In my selfishness I struggled with that persona and my chrysalis wanted to emerge. Riley was two when I finally embraced what I had become, a mother, her mother. My new set of wings were finally set free and able to take me places I had never been. A whole new perspective on life. It wasn’t just me anymore. Michael, Riley, and soon to be, Cassidy, were on this journey with me.

Now here I am right smack dab in the middle of yet another “LIFE CHANGING EVENT”. The choices are pretty black and white:

LIFE       or      DEATH

Most of us would choose life, but with life there is always some form of death.

February 18, 2014

Today is a day I will always remember….My last day of chemo! It began 18 weeks ago, slowly being infused with poison…meant to kill and live.

February 22, 2014

Day four of the rabbit hole and I’m beginning to see glimpses of sanity, sanctuary, normalcy. I actually got out of bed, dressed, made necklaces with my daughters, and took doggies for a walk!  Getting excited about the little things in life. Was that one of my lesson’s? To not take anything for granted? I have so many loved ones around me. My parents gave up 6 months of their vacationing travel time to be with me. You know you are loved when you can be a grumpy bitch and nobody bats an eye. It gets to me when I become the chemo monster. In order to ground myself and everyone else, I apologize for my behavior to the people I share a home with. You should never let that kind of love go. You should never let any day be wasted or taken for granted. I guess this is what happens when your body and mind are threatened by an illness that can take your life.

As I crawl out of the hole I see light, but part of me is still in the darkness. I’ll get there again and my dreams will become reality, because now I know I’m not invincible and I have to make everyday count and mean something. At any time all of it can be taken away forever, or just a moment in  time. Fortunately for me it was a moment to wake me up and just smile at the simple things.

February 25, 2014

I would like to think that chemotherapy is behind me, but those dark thoughts are hard to shake. Especially when some of my new ‘cancer friends’ have discovered their chemo concoction did not work and need to begin a new one, or the cancer has spread. These people are just like me….positive, hopeful, happily holding their ‘last chemo’ posters, just like me. When they share this news, I feel such deep grief and horror for them which strikes a strong chord down to my bones. This scares me unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I think hearing that the chemo didn’t work would be worse then hearing I have cancer the first time, because now I know what lies ahead.

Yes, I am scared and that dark question will always be a part of my life…..Will the cancer come back?