December 17 is here once again in the infusion room. 3rd treatment for my 4 drug, 5 hour party. Half way there. I felt the most anxiety yesterday since my diagnosis October 17. So, I tried some anti-anxiety pills, lorazepam, and I was able to sleep. No worries on becoming addicted, I’ve only had 4 in the past 6 weeks!
What’s to come…. I feel as though I’m balancing on a deep and scary crevasse about to fall in….. or walking back to my raft after scouting a class 5 rapid. Saying F–U–C–K the way Scott Ramsey says it, long and slow with strange twang seems to help me.
I’ve told my body what’s to come, and to let all that toxic goo in to do its work and to leave all you good and healthy cells alone. You are amazing strong little cells working so hard to keep me on my feet and I thank you for that, this will soon all be over and we will grow stronger together!
Sometimes I see myself going back to my regular life habits, ways of thinking, eating, drinking, acting. Not that it was bad, but, I guess as tho’ I should be becoming some sort of cancer- guru- goddess, I suppose that time will come, maybe it’s happening already. For Gods Sake I Have CANCER! No denying my baldness, dry lips, laziness, wall staring, can’t get shit done or shit out for that matter!
I’m on a new path now, forced to be on. Reminds me of when my Dad made me run track and cross-country my freshman year in high school. I had to do it, but it turned out fantastic! I took the Woodbridge Warriors to state in CA multiple times. Or when Travis Reid said, “Hers’s your raft!” at the Blanchard put-in in Canada. But Trav I thought I was going to paddle with a bunch of other beer drinking derelicts! Nope Kaci it’s time you row your own boat in white water! And you know who jumped in with me and said, “I trust you,” Michael Ahmuty, we barely knew each other. What a great day! We even rescued a couple of folks (Mark Sebens, CP) and a dog. That all turned out good too! Or, how about when Riley chose Michael and I to be her parents. We were not ready! We hadn’t even lived year round together, just fun and easy summers was all we could commit to in Alaska! We were ski-bum-river-rafting-fun-hounds living seasonally in the 12’x18′ Wool Attic Love Shack. We had a camp stove, intermittent running water coming from a 5″ creek, and our outhouse was down a sketchy path which had no door, faced the Alaskan northern winds looking over the Lynn Canal. Beautiful, but Brrrrrrr! We slept on thin camping pads, and Michael had to clean the dishes on his knees because of the sharp angle of the ceiling……but that little baby didn’t care! She came and rocked our transient world. And, that worked out too, so well in fact, we decided to have another one, 4 years later, Cassidy Kay!
And now cancer. Strange to say, but I’m finding cancer to be highly entertaining. Making one super aware of how wonderful a healthy body is. Luckily, going into this I started with a strong and healthy body, which is slowly breaking down now. After my 3rd infusion today I will begin the decline back into the rabbit hole, where I will wander aimlessly for about 5 days. But then my strong and healthy body will fight back and bring Kaci back doing what she loves, Skiing! I’m proud and happy to say I’ve gone skiing at Mt Bachelor 5 times! Telemark skiing that is, google it! Turn til ya burn, telly til yer smelly, free the heal, free the mind! I love it! I feel the burn in my legs, the wind whipping thru my ghost hair, ravens cawing overhead, laughter with my husband, and the sun shining down upon me once again.
So I will go down this rabbit hole once again, but, I will come out….. once again. I may be weakening which is temporary, but I am also getting stronger and more aware of what this LIFE is all about.
Kaci
Life is beautiful even when we struggle 
Healing & loving thoughts on your journey from Marnie and I!
Your post reminds me of my Aunt Mimi’s recent comment to me about her battle: “Aside from the fact that it’s Me with the cancer, the whole process is pretty interesting. ”
Stay strong Kaci!
kaci,
im am so honored and proud to know and love you as much as I do…I know the years have gone by so quickly, I know our souls are connected..as they always will be. the love and inspiration you bring with you on you’re journey shines through..
your doing it mamma! kick butt as you always have… love your heart forever
you write so sincerely and beautifully, Kaci. Keep writing it all down and one day put a book together with all those beautiful pictures you take. You have some tale to tell, my friend. Inspiring. Love you x
Sending you strength and love friend. Thank you for sharing. You are, and in my eyes, have always been an inspiration. This is going to be something that makes you that much stronger, even more beautiful and more bad ass then ever. This experience is going to change everything, and ultimately only for the better.
Your girls are lucky to have such an amazing mom.
Hugs and kisses to you and Michael.
Happy holidays
Cheers
Wow! What amazing words you share in such a seamless style! Keep it coming! And Cheers to the new Kaci even stronger and more beautiful yet!
I LOVE your writing style, Kaci. In the midst of your hellish situation, you have a voice that is reaching others and inspiring others. You have always been an inspiration. Now, in a new way! I feel like I am sitting with you, and I can hear you telling me these amazing stories of what strange turns in your life turned into fortunes. I LOVE how Michael jumped in the boat and trusted you when he barely knew you. Kaci, it was all fate. You were meant to be together! I am happy you went Telemark skiing. Man, that always looked so hard! Kind of like cross-counrty downhill. Man! You rock! You are showing your girls and all of us that life can throw you shit, but it doesn’t have to take you down. Amen to you for that! Keep it up babe! Lots of love from NY! xoxo Joanna
This is amazing. You are amazing. Yes the sun shines on you and all the more because your eyes and body and mind are open to it. Drink it in. A thousand times hugs to you and back.
Matt and I are thinking about you daily. From the posts it sounds like you are ready to kick cancers %^& so go get it. Stay strong and beat it. In our thoughts and prayers – Allison
Damn sis! That was powerful and poetic. Love you so much you strong, brave, beautiful and radiant being. I look up to you and always will. You and your ghost hair.
Oh man Kaci – you are one tough lady! I’ve been thinking about your whole crew down there and sending lots of healing thoughts you way. Thanks for keeping us posted with the blog. Lots of love and enjoy those tele turns! eliza (and justin)
I am moved by your writing, Miss Kaci: it’s so moving, and amazingly truthful. I admire your strength.
We love you so much, Kaci! And are SO impressed…though not surprised…by your humor and strength through such a tough time. Peace be with you, Michael, Riley & Cassidy Kay.
Inspiring & Beautiful…..blessings.
Kaci you are an amazing women and such an inspiration to us all! Even through these difficult times you go through, I am in awe of your positive attitude and energy. Sending you loving hugs and healing thoughts!
Thanks to you Kaci, I think we all have a new appreciation for our lives, our healthy bodies, the people we love and who love us. It is so easy to get into our little rut, and not even realize that damn rabbit hole is always there. Peace, love, hope, all coming at ‘cha. You face the storm so bravely, head on. I learn so much from you. Thanks for sharing.
Your writing is beautiful Kaci, I hear your voice as I read it – through the emotional roller coaster, straight from the heart, whole-heartedly full of life. I’ve always admired that about you; see and trust how that true self of you is taking this detour with full force to your healthy future.
I loved that little walk down memory lane.
I remember that Blanchard run…. So long ago.
If it weren’t for all the amazing little people in our lives, reminding us of the passage of time, I might believe you if you said it was only 5 years ago.
Time is such a crazy thing! Warp speed ahead! I’m sure your time in the rabbit hole feels like an eternity, but in another 15 years , I bet you will look back and the time down under will fade away, dulled by the brightness of the amazing memories you are building in all the moments in between. Keep it up Kaci!
I love and admire everything about you!
Xoxo
Drop the knee not the bomb. You were really hung over the time we spiraled down through the abyss looking for Smithers BC, as I recall. If true character counts for anything (an abundance in your kace) well than there you go. Would love to talk some time.
Dear Kaci, since you were the “baby”, we never got to know you as well as your siblings, but we have been praying for you. We do not understand God’s ways, but we do know that you are in His hands. Through your courage, you are affecting many lives, especially your children’s. Thank you for being so truthful about the (good, bad & ugly). We will continue to pray for your healing.
In Christ’s Love,
Jim and Barbara Smith
Kaci, Thanks for keeping it real….as I am crying at my work desk reading and trying to feel your pain and fight. I am so glad to hear you are out tearin up the slopes. I also remember being at the party where – I believe the after-mass (I wasn’t there for that part) was the start of a beautiful Riley! I believe there were cowboy hats and boas involved! Anyhow Kaci, I hope your family had a wonderful Christmas. Thank you again for sharing your experience ugly and beautiful. Love.
Kaci! This is your new Bend buddy who you haven’t met yet!! Mrs. M.Stewart is our connection– that’s right. 🙂 Look out world! 😛
My oh my what a journey you are on!!– 😦 — but obviously you are traveling it with such strength style grace and support that you’ve GOT THIS…….it does not have you! Even so; I’m sending healing thoughts and prayers your way and I look forward to meeting you and your family!! If there is ANYTHING I might be able to do to help you all out in anyway, it would really make me feel good. I’m not as good of a cook as Martha….(few are); but I do love to cook and if contributing some good food might help…… well please give me a ‘shout out’!
Bend has wonderful medical facilities, (as I’m sure you know) and Dr. Kornfeld is awesome. My neighbor Loren had the largest tumor in his stomach that Kornfeld had ever seen, and Loren rode in a 100 mile mt. bike race less than a year after being diagnosed and treated. I look forward to getting out on the trails with you in the near future. You go, girl!!
Cheers to you! Love frm Jen
435-773-5853 zionjen@gmail.com