I’ve given you the good, but not the bad and ugly. And, I’m the kind of person who really wants you to experience it all. So, here it goes… Last week, after my second chemo, was a bad week. If I wasn’t in bed, one could find me on the toilet. Lovely, right? I’ve discovered almost immediately after a chemo cocktail major constipation sets in, followed by ‘loose stools’, along with lots of severe cramping. yay. The day after chemo, the nurse gives me a shot (nuelasta?) in the gut which helps to boost my white blood cell count. This shot causes major joint and deep muscle pain.
What really made me sad was when my daughter, Riley (8), wanted to lie next to me and read her book aloud, but, I felt too crappy for even that and sent her on her way. She became the strong motherly figure I have always been and said, “That’s ok mom, you sleep well tonight, I love you, sweet dreams.” As she gently kissed my bald head. Which was another part of me I had to let go, the hair! My sister, Andrea, and I had fun shaving it into a mohawk over Thanksgiving (tribute to the Native Americans), but, after a few days my head became itchy. So, I decided a vigorous shampoo would feel delightful, which it did, but after handfuls of hair clogging the drain I knew it was time. Andrea took the guard off and as both of us cried she freed me of that dying part of me. It wasn’t so much the hair I was attached to, but I guess just being bald now signifies me as a CANCER PATIENT to the rest of the world.
Basically, the entire week after my infusion totally sucks ass, and I’m told as I become more toxic each time will be worse. Wonderful! Now there’s something to look forward to! Two down, four to go. Chemo takes one right to the edge and then releases you. The chemo portion of this journey will be complete in February. I’ve been told this is the worst part of it.
Michael told me that people who have down syndrome and cancer have a very high success rate. They just cruise right thru it with no glitches. Yes, your mind can be your worst enemy. So, I’m gearing up for another battle December 17th and trying to let my mind just go with the chemo flow.
Here’s to keeping it real,
Kaci
Life is beautiful even when we struggle 
I am glad you aren’t sugar coating your experience. From your bowels to your bald head you’re still shining your light . One breath at a time you’ll get through this.
Keeping it real is the only way to go, Kaci! I admire your strength and honesty! Your description is hard to read as no one wants you to suffer, yet it helps us all know exactly what to pray for you & your family. Thank you for sharing so openly! Your anguish and LOVE pop off the page. You & Michael have raised your girls to be compassionate, and now Riley is showing that to you. It is hard to be unable to care for your children when you are not well, but you have raised resilient & strong girls. They are learning major life lessons as your family walks this journey. Your Spirit shines so bright I can see it from NY! Love to you! xoxoxo
Thank you Joanna for your uplifting words!
Gotcha Kaci- and love you for where it’s at. K
Ugh. The ugly is not what any of us wish for you. Your strength is dazzling. Watch out cancer! XO
KACI, WHEN I STOP SOBBING, I WILL WRITE SOMETHING. JANE WENT THROUGH WHAT ARE IN RIGHT NOW, AND I WAS NOT THERE FOR HER AS I WAS NEEDED TO CARE FOR DON. YOU ARE BLESSED TO HAVE BOTH YOUR PARENTS THERE FOR YOU. OUR PRAYERS GO WITH YOU MY DEAR. LOVE CUZ JAN YOU ARE A STRONG YOUNG WOMAN AND I AM PROUD OF YOOU!!!!
I know jan, everything my mom reads she just silently sobs, & I say, “Mom, let it out!”
Hoo, this is hauntingly familiar, Kaci. Merrick and Joe know this whole dance only too well, twice through. Your whole community here in Haines is rooting for you. Your kids and daddy-man are going to be ok. Stay as well and in the middle as possible. Love, Ade
Yes, we ARE rooting for you, Kaci. My heart breaks that you have to go through this. Lots of good protein and good veggies in between to keep your body strong; and love from your family and extended family to keep your faith strong. You are in our hearts.
Thanks Nelle, we are loving all the goodies you sent us! Thank you!
I am betting you look beautiful bald!
Chemo is the pits, so I am praying hard that it goes easier on you.
My cardiologist had it a few years ago and told me how hard it was on his GI tract. All the fast growing cells hate it.
I am so glad your girls are there to give you TLC!
Hugs!
Hello Kaci, our friend! We have silently been following your journey from a distance, having not been in contact since we saw you last in Haines at least two years ago… We have such fond memories of the brief time we spent with you at the Atlin Music Fest and at your funky home in Haines (having a late-night snack of fresh shrimp right off Micheal’s boat-it’s kinda hard to forget!), after spending a couple days at the Fair. You and your beautiful family have left such a powerful mark on us. Your warm, kind, generous, open and loving free spirit will transcend this chapter of your life. We know it. We too are rooting for you belle amie! Keep the faith, our hearts are with you – always. Love from Christian, Marie-Claude, Xavier, Alizée and Misha XX (formely from Whitehorse, now in Chelsea, Qc (near Ottawa))
A big hello to all of you!!!! Thank you for posting! Wonderful hearing you are all doing well! We are loving Bend, Oregon! You always have a place to stay with us, but I can’t promise fresh shrimp & crabs!
Love to you, Kaci
Thoughts and positive vibrations are ever flowing from the great white north Kaci. Love to you and your family.
I’m so glad you’re sharing the bad and the ugly. It’s awful to hide those parts and try to do them alone. Your loving community of friends want to share it all with you. So happy you’re including us.
So sorry you’re going through it. Can’t wait for February!
Your daughter sent me a sexy & wild wig, so next time I’m feeling sexy & wild I’ll be sure to wear it! Maybe New Year’s Eve with tina! Then I can wear it again once I have my sexy & wild new tittys! Haha lets go to sayulita!,,
A most fantastic idea!, sayulita, that is. So, wild and sexy, huh? Can’t wait to see your sexy and wild new titties!
Sending the best energy your way. Love to you and yours,
Susan
Thinking of you guys.
Oh Kaci. As your sister, reading this breaks my heart but having known you your entire life, I know what a strong spirit you have and your strength runs deep . . . even when it must feel like you have no more to give. You are a brave beautiful warrior goddess and I promise you will get through this. One day at a time. You have given so much laughter and joy to so many people and now we are all here for you to help you through this journey. You are loved by many and our family bond is strong. We will get through this together my love.
Wow Kaci,
Thank you for your honesty. Its so good to hear it all. It helps me to visualize your suffering so I can visualize you coming out the other side strong and healthy. Man…this is a tough one, but so are you. We are sending so much love from Haines. Hang in there sweet woman.
Courtney
Thank you for sharing this. We are thinking of you in NY as you move forward and preserver. Not sure if this helps, but my mom is in the midst of this also, with two rounds down and four to go, and her doctor said magnesium (bananas and papayas are good sources) may help with the leg cramps.
Thank you Cristina, good advice! Oh your sweet mama 😦 I will be thinking about her too, we are not alone!