Life is beautiful even when we struggle

April 1, 2016

“Shit” is what I said when my oncologist told me there are some “new developments”. Is this an April fools joke? I wish I could say it was but I guess it’s another stepping stone for me to gain wisdom from.

I was riding so high, feeling so full of spirit, love and light. Every cell in my body was singing “Right ON”. Knocked off my high horse, wallowing in the mud. I need to wallow right now. A sweet friend enlightened me with this reminder, “No mud, No lotus”.

I am so blessed in so many aspects of my life, especially my friends and family. The calls, the messages, the support. It gets a bit overwhelming at times, but then I have to think of the souls who are going thru the same shit storm who are doing it alone.
Even though I may not respond, I read every single word of encouragement and place it gently in my bag of tricks deep within my heart.

I’VE. GOT. TO. STAY. ON. COURSE.

I pray and meditate asking for guidance to hold my hands, mind, spirit… to give me the strength, persistence and belief to stay on this positive path. Please pull me out of this muddy trench. Believe, Kaci, that this will not take you away from your family, my little girls, my sweet husband.
It is so hard to rise back up and envision what I was just a few days ago. All I see is myself withering away in a dark medicated room with a morphine drip slowly soothing my dying cells…
NO NO NO
I cannot and will not accept this vision.
I HAVE TO STAY ON TRACK.
I will pull thru somehow.

Finding joy in my day is near impossible, right now. I want to let EVERYTHING GO, right now. I want to run away, right now. I want to hide under the covers, right now. I want to yell out “SCREW IT ALL!”, right now. Nothing matters, right now.

But, all those feelings are just right now. And they will pass. I will not hold onto them and become a victim of this disease. I WILL persevere and keep inspiring people to love themselves deeply and to see the beauty in every healthy cell and every laugh, every hug, every sunrise and sunset, every new day you have.
What a gift
Don’t waste it

February 2016

I have been shedding something that no longer serves me. I feel as though I’m a baby just experiencing life for the first time. My eyes are opening, my heart is awakening, and my spirit is dancing. Every cell in my body is telling me that this awakening is the key to healing my body and mind. The feeling I have growing within me is so profound and true. It is the purest truth I have ever felt. My heart feels so full of love that I cannot help but to share all that love with anyone and everyone! And the beautiful part is that as crazy as this may seem to some people, I can care less, because I know that it is the truth!
Simply that it’s all about LOVE!
Ignite LOVE!
Rock the Bhakti!
Even in the Super Bowl half-time show, what was the final message?
“BELIEVE IN LOVE!”
YES!
Ok, so yes, my family thinks I’m a wee bit OUT there, but I am a woman who has an aggressive form of metastatic breast cancer, lost my left breast, my hair, my spirit (temporarily), I took the poison, radiated my body, was told I would die in 2-3 weeks if I didn’t have BRAIN SURGERY, told I had 2-3 years to LIVE (statistically speaking), went thru 6 months MORE of chemotherapy, gamma knifed my brain, and still awaiting a body scan in a couple weeks to see if the disease has spread, followed by another MRI of my brain the end of March to see if chemo/radiation killed the lesions. All the while juggling a family of young children.
SO! If it makes me feel good to let my LOVE FREAK FLAG FLY, then I’m gonna freakin’ fly it!!!!
I know the statistics! And I refuse to get categorized into a statistical death chart.
I AM NOT A STATISTIC!
There are AMAZING stories out there and I choose to be AMAZING!!!!!
Cancer has given me a second life.
It has helped me to live the life I’ve always wanted. I am excited and charging forward. I believe we are all universally waking up. We all have the power to tune in and make huge changes within ourselves and worldwide.
Jump on the high frequency love train and let the Love Revolution begin!
Start within yourself, love yourself deeply. Wave the love flag, what have you got to lose?
Rather, think about what YOU will GAIN!

December 10, 2015

This whole cancer journey has been so magical in a very obscure yet clear way. When I get knocked down and feel as though I can’t get back up, lost in despair, feeling the grim reapers sickle hanging above me…..I somehow am able to digest the latest bad news, taking longer to except and stand back up…..then a series of beautiful and unexplainable small events take place in the most random ways. It’s like guardian angels come to my rescue, taking on mortal form. Indirectly telling me that everything is going to be alrigh, that I’m on the right path. The signs are absolutely everywhere, and when I become weak they present themselves to me. When my heart and eyes open I can see clearly. Although each time I receive bad news and I fall a little deeper into desperation, in return I slough off another layer of something that does not serve me any longer.

Am I being shown the LIGHT because that’s where I’m going? To bring peace to me now before I become infinite LIGHT?
Yep, that’s one thing cancer does to ya!
OVERTHINK
EVERYTHING!!!!

Yet, the magic dances within me once again. I’ve pulled thru that storm, and what lies ahead? I don’t know. But what I do know is that I will continue moving forward no matter what storm is on the horizon.

GOOD NIGHT!

PS. Everybody should live like their dying

October 13, 2015

I feel a shift happening within my body and soul. Fortunately it’s a good shift!

After being in my cave of depression, I’m realizing that only I can do this. It’s up to me to keep on keepin’ on. Cancer is NOT ME! I will not let it get the best of me. My Best is only getting better and stronger in every aspect. I plan to keep it that way. Moving in a positive and loving path is the only way to be. Because if you let all that shit define who you are, then that shit will eat you up!

Always look toward the light

Always find the good in yourself and others

Be gentle and kind to yourself

BE REAL!

Love everyday       ~      every moment

I’ve lived such a blessed life and I know that, but I’m seeing a new silver lining, a certain sweetness in every day~every little hand, every falling leaf, every gentle caress. Even in having this “imbalance” within my body, I feel even more blessed~so much deeper and richer then ever before.

So, I’d like to say,

“THANK YOU CANCER!”

For opening me up in more ways then one. My heart, body and soul are full of golden light, and I love it!

You may leave now, compost back into the earth. You have done a good job and I thank you.

I release you

You release me

Farewell

October 10, 2015

I’ve been in a dark place as of late. Just getting caught up in the things I don’t have answers for. Is this really my fate? To live an amazing and rich life and then to have it taken away by disease? To leave my children with no mother? What kind of twisted joke is this?  Yes, I am trying to stay strong and positive for myself and everyone around me. Joking and making light of it all seems to be my way of dealing. But, in reality this is not good in any way, shape or form. I have been given many gifts throughout this nightmare, but it feels like its gaining strength over me.

I’m fucking exhausted

Is this it? Will I die from this disease? Will I live a long life? Will my children be left mother-less?

I want to live, but I don’t know if I will. The unknown is the hardest part.

Will I see my girls grow up into women? I don’t know, no one knows. All I know is I have to beat this.

I was starting to not believe in myself and giving in a little. I felt so alone, and in a way, I am! Only I can do this. All the love I received on the ‘go fund me’ sight, which my big sis, Andrea, set up, was truly inspirational. Seeing everybody’s support…close friends and family, forgotten friends and family, even total strangers…………filled me with so much of your prayers and your total belief in me, it was just what I needed to propel me into kicken’ some booty again!!!!

Thank you all for the fire!

July 28, 2015

Today my chemotherapy arrives by way of UPS. No signature required. They will leave the drugs on my front porch. So bizarre…
“Oh Look Everyone!!! My package ARRIVED!!! How Exciting!!!”

I will start taking my 11 pills tomorrow for the next 3 months, which, ironically ends on my 44th birthday.

Sitting in my garden, I hear the familiar UPS truck pull up, metallic doors sliding open, flash of brown suited delivery guy thru the fence, stomach drops….it’s for me. And there it is, just a plain little brown box sitting on my welcome mat. I pick it up, take it inside, grab a knife and open it up. Paperwork I choose not to read, I already know what I need to know. The 2 bottles are within a sickly yellow bag with a biohazard sign on it…great!

Tomorrow I will crack the bottles open and begin dosing myself with this new poison. I know I can do this again, it’s just the fact that I AM doing this AGAIN, when I truly thought it was behind me. This is sometimes hard to swallow. But this life of mine is WORTH IT. My children are WORTH IT. My husband is WORTH IT. My family are WORTH IT. My friends are WORTH IT. I AM WORTH IT.

So lets take these damn pills and imagine them melting away all that cancer, cleaning my body and mind, leaving behind only golden LOVE LIGHT!

July 11, 2015

Drinking what seems to have become my “3AM-steroid-driven-night-thoughts-tonic” of warm milk turmeric and cinnamon, I’m proud because I’ve made it to 4AM! And I know now that my East Coast contingent of love and support are AWAKENING!!!

Here in my home I slowly and gently do the motherly rounds.
Slipping on my robe, snatching the necessary supplies I’ll need while calming my mind downstairs – journal, good pen, book, phone.

Leaving my resting husband in his dreams, sliding past my snoozing mom and dad, not wanting to disturb their sweet spooning slumber. Checking on my beautiful daughters, which of course they have wound up snuggling like little puppies again.

Everyone is safe and content
which gives me peace

I guess what inspired me to share all this with you is because when I went to get a mug from the mug cabinet for my early morning concoction, there was only one mug, not just one, but MY MUG! The rest were in the dishwasher.
Now this mug was made for me about 4 years ago by a very dear friend in Haines, Alaska. Whom we’ve shared our hearts together and have had many adventures. And she put that chunk of clay on her wheel with me in mind and pulled and pushed her love into that block and created something I hold dear.

Upon seeing this “Love Mug” I realized that my family all knows this affinity and to leave it for ME! Then I started to think about how “well trained” my immediate cancer team is! The last round we had to all work thru the treatment for 6 months. We are like those long Alaskan summer Chilkat Guides days guiding the rivers. By the time 6 months rolled around we were dialed. A well oiled piece of machinery! RTG! NO NFG!

Clean dishes ready to be put away, wiped down countertops, empty and clean sink, sponge squeezed out, cleaned dining table, flowers centered, night- light on, Ruby dog out, Marley in, front door locked, dogs fed and watered, poop picked up, chickens good, garden watered.

I BECK! THEY CALL! NO JUDGEMENT!

just unconditional LOVE

My immediate team. Going thru this, again, with me hand in hand, spirit with spirit and the “therapy” hasn’t even begun.

So, here’s to love mugs
drink up!

One week ago I awoke in ICU coming out of having a life threatening tumor removed from behind my left ear. The doctor said I wouldn’t remember that first day.
But, I do remember that first 24 hours, quite clearly in fact.
I was first confused, felt strapped down and being stretched to gigantic lengths.
Floating as if on water that was lapping at me
wanting me to fall in
eyes unfocused
searching
turn if OFF
STOP!
Then Michaels face right in front of mine
KACI, YOUR OUT OF SURGERY, YOUR OK, I’M HERE!
…………..calm……………………………ok…………………………………………………………..
hands on my body now, ground me………………………………………………………..
Thank you, that worked…………………………………………………………………………..

The realization of what my head just went thru did not hit me until a couple hours later when I was trying to be my jovial self and I looked up at Michael and saw the far off seriousness in his eyes. The kind of look of a man who is mortified by seeing his strong-healthy-can-do-everything wife in ICU after brain surgery looking like a blue skinny Telly Tubby with an E.T. finger glow.

Yes, I do remember the first day.

So, I have been having issues with how to answer this question lately,
“HELLO! HOW ARE YOU?”
I cannot just say,
“FINE, GOOD or BAD”
So upon rolling this VERY DIFFICULT question around in my noggin, because my noggin just ain’t full enough! I feel as though I came up with a solution!
Let’s try it out, shall we?
You be the judge!

“HELLO! HOW ARE YOU?”
“HI! WELL IF YOUR ASKING MY ‘HUMAN’ SELF THEN I WOULD SAY I’M LIKE A BUTTERFLY CAUGHT IN A STORM, BUT IF YOUR ASKING MY ‘SPIRITUAL’ SELF THEN I WOULD SAY I AM AN INFINITE BEING HOLDING ONTO MY ROD OF GOLDEN LOVE LIGHT!”

Now THAT! I CAN SAY!
Come on!
Brain Surgery
ONE WEEK AGO

damn that felt good

July 6, 2015

It is my final day in my healing hospital room #343. I feel excited and grateful to have been here and to be leaving with such a full heart and openness to the rest of my life. So much has happened in a matter of days. Terrible things and divine things. It’s almost like my head literally had to be opened up in order to let the true light in!

Any questions of darkness or uncertainty have been released from that passage I had to travel. I made it thru and have been given a gift. A gift I want and need to share with everyone. Every cell in me is full of divine infinite light of love and I will take this gift and spread the seeds like a glitter dandelion all over this world!!!! This is the beautiful truth and we all have this in us.

YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELVES

I’m sending a glitter seed to EVERYONE, and you plant it within yourself and it will sprout and blossom and unfold just as it is supposed to do for your own beautiful purpose here on Earth.

Thank you for carrying me thru!