April 6, 2016
I never thought I would say this, but I am so sick of talking about myself! For the past 2 1/2 years it has been all about ME! Everyone knows I love being in the lime-light, but this is just too much. I want the mundane, everyday life. The life most of us take for granted.
Trying to check in with friends and their day to day lives is futile. The rolling eyes and constant measuring up to my death sentence is just too much for some.
Luckily my children still think the world revolves around them, which is a relief for me. To simply just sit and play Legos in a make believe world.
Aaaaaahhh, so light and simple.
A world where we don’t use words like gamma knife, chemotherapy, statistics, surgery, lesions, incurable and cancer.
Yes, I know I have responsibilities to tend to. But for now I have this time, this day, this moment to leave all the mess behind and to sit down crisscross applesauce and get taken away in a pretend world with my daughters.
I’m not giving up, but I feel like I’ve accepted that I could die from this disease. I want to play with my little girls because right now that is all that matters to me.
And yet here I am still talking about myself. Sharing my deepest thoughts, putting myself out there, finding solace in being able to get this tangle out of my mind.
Unravelling the unknown, so that I don’t unravel myself.
I am learning a new way of living. To truly LIVE with a terminal disease. Finding peace and keeping myself balanced as I walk on eggshells between tests for the rest of my life, is proving to be challenging in every aspect. But, I am willing to take on the challenge.
Life is beautiful even when we struggle 
KACI,
You so amaze me with your strength. When you write about yourself and what you have been thru, you humble all who love you (do you think I used the word You enough?!!!)
Do play with the girls and Michael, do some crazy somethings that your family will say, she’s a little nutty, but fun. You deserve fun and laughter, God knows you earned it. The Nielsen’s think of you often and we’re sorry we missed you on Long Island.
Keep your “TUDE” up there, you are such an inspiration to me.
I must go, as I have used up my allotment of “u”
Always in my thoughts,
DARRAGH
Kaci, my love, YOU are part of US! We want to know everything about you, your family and family times, your ups & downs. By sharing this blog, you are keeping us with you . . . to stand with you, hold you in our hearts. Don’t ever stop. Your writings are a reminder to all of us to seize the moment. It’s the small things that are truly big. I love you, Kacita.
Enjoy your day, enjoy your life, dear Kaci. If we would really open our eyes to it, each breath is all any of us know we have. It is a reminder to embrace the moment, as you so beautifully articulated in this blog. I am sending you so much love and boatloads of Reiki, as always. ❤
And the flip side: “I want to know how she’s doing, what she’s dealing with. Does she want to talk about it? Does she NOT want to talk about it? If I don’t ask, am I being disrespectful? Will she think I’m insensitive to talk instead about how much my feckin hand hurts all the way up to my feckin elbow after ramming it into the feckin edge of the washer instead of into it?” Sooooo, I’m sorry my hand hurts and I’m sorry the cancer wants to kill you. Now let’s go have a feckin margarita. 💚
I love your comments, Kim. It does help to have some guidance so that we can all be sensitive to what is the most supportive. I totally get Kaci’s needing to have time to just be and not living, eating, and breathing her diagnosis, treatment, prognosis, whatever…all the time. There is still life after all and celebrating with playfulness and joy.
Hi Kaci! thinking of you from way over here in HOT West Africa…. I worry too much about work and raising my son and wishing I could run around naked in a snow storm… Glad to hear your thoughts. Love you Holly
Hi Kaci!
I can’t thank you enough for sharing your journey. It is heartbreaking, humbling, and amazing, the strength and determination your soul exudes, is what makes me love knowing you. After talking with you, I think of you all the time. I see your beautiful family every day and wish I had a magic wand to make everything better for you. . . .
You are amazing. I have to say, even in these tough moments, you radiate such a kind, loving, and gentle spirit. Be kind and gentle to yourself. You deserve to take care of you and to be silly, have crazy moments, while keeping things simple. Follow the light of the love from your family and friends and know we all love and support you. I am here for you and send you many prayers of peace and healing throughout each day. Take care my friend!