March 29, 2014

Can’t shake the depressed shit that keeps hanging on me! Maybe I need to clear my nightstand of the “Voldyne 5000” breather apparatus the hospital gave me, lotions, potions, energy stones, cancer articles, heating pads, tissues, little cotton bags to hold my drain bulbs in, inspirational books and CD’s….OMG! Does anyone else have all that shit on their nightstand? I just want to swipe it all away!! Yes, feeling a bit crazy and sick of seeing all this cancer crap! I want cancer to be behind me. I’m only 10 days out since I had my favorite left breast cut off me along with that wonderful TIT! Holy Cheese, what do I do when I take a look at myself, I’m really not that vain, but I guess I’m not used to scars. I’ve been getting emotional as of late, not sure why…..maybe the drugs, planets, cancer, surgery, kids, responsibility, not being able to do what I want! I don’t know! It’s all very intense. I feel as tho’ I’m at a new crossroads, one that really sucks and is very negative, depressing, and unhealthy. Or the other that is awesome, healthy, positive, amazing. That one takes work and right now I’m feeling so unmotivated and pissy. I hate that cancer has done this to me and that I’m letting it happen!
STOP!
I HAVE THE POWER!!!

April 4, 2014

Almost 6 months ago I found out about the BIG C, and here I sit still trying to make sense out of it all. With two foreign objects in my body, a bald head and nails falling off, I feel so far from myself, the self I thought I once knew. It’s like some twisted fairy tale where my life was blessed all along until the cursed age of 41. Do I believe this nonsense? I’m not sure, all I know is I have a ways to travel and my load is bearing down on me, or maybe just catching up.

April 8, 2014

Just reading my last few writings helps me to realize that, yes indeed, I have been thru the meat grinder and I am up then quickly down. but I will endure and turn all of this around. I believe in myself and my motivation to get me there. I will accept the down times and be patient with my body, mind and spirit.
I WILL SUCCEED
I have not fully accepted cancer into my life or fully embraced it. But you know what, right now I don’t accept this disease. I do not want to embrace something so nasty. I believe that it is OK to not let it into my life. I’ll ride it a little bit, like the mechanical bulls in Tijuana, then I’ll grab the bull by the horns and continue my life the way that I want to live it.

April 20, 2014

My husband, Michael, has been very loving and supportive, he does not go into depth about how he’s doing, at least not with me. I think he just doesn’t want to lay anything more on me. But the other day he told me that one thing cancer has taught him is to not take everything so seriously! YAY! This made my heart sing and dance! Can I still call him my neurotic New Yorker? I’ve been recently becoming aware of how this disease has not only just affected me, but the people around me too…in a positive way. I’ve just been thinking, ME ME ME. The whole ripple affect is actually happening! Strangers, teachers, neighbors, children, clerks, bums!
A bald head and an open heart are very powerful, and can change the way one sees the world!

April 23, 2014

I’m a 42 year young woman who just survived an aggressive type of breast cancer. I didn’t do it on my own. I had a fabulous team and lots of drugs. I’m now hairless, left breast-less, nipple-less, and CANCER-LESS!
Becoming so much more in ways I haven’t even seen yet. Everything takes time. The gifts of cancer are slow to open.

June 17, 2014

Hard to believe it has only been 8 months since Dr. Not-so-feel-good told me I had breast cancer.
HAD BREAST CANCER
Let’s keep it that way!
Tomorrow I start the final step in this twisted maze~~~RADIATION~~~ or I prefer Moonbeams and Rainbows, much nicer image.
Positive imagery has gotten me thru not only cancer, but life. So, for the next 6 weeks, everyday at 8:40 am, I will receive Moonbeams and Rainbows.

July 14, 2014

18 sessions into Moonbeams and Rainbows and I’m really beginning to feel the effects. Skin is itchy, burning and rashy. Muscles hardening, skin not as pliable. I feel as tho’ it is affecting my throat, maybe charring the left esophagus. All the “radiation” products I’ve been told that would help just seem to be giving me an allergic reaction. I was told August 4 will be my last treatment, and I wept because I thought July 28 would be it. I’m so tired of going EVERYDAY at 8:40 am. My 5 yr old, Cassidy, asked me today if I had chemotherapy. I assured her that I’m done with that part and now I’m doing radiation. “Moonbeams and Rainbows!” she corrected me. And then I thought the word ‘chemotherapy’ shouldn’t even be in a 5 year old’s vocabulary!
The past 9 months feels like an eternity. I’m physically, spiritually and mentally DONE! I still ask myself what happened to me? What’s that scar? Where’s my nipple? Why is my hair so short? Where is that Kaci strength that has never availed me?

July 25, 2014

Today is the 1 year anniversary of living in Bend, Oregon and owning RiverStone Adventures. What a year it has been. I envision years from now retelling our story, my story, my year of cancer and adventure.

October 6, 2014

As I near my 1 year anniversary of being diagnosed, I look back in time with wide open eyes. How quickly your life can change. 1 year ago a monster lurked on the other side of the fence ~ I had no idea. But, here I am with brighter eyes and soul then ever before. I feel re-born, learning, growing, opening up to a new me. I’m still in baby phase but I want to totally grow from this experience. Did this past year suck? YES. Was it the worst thing that has every happened to me? YES. Was it the worst? NO.
There has been many ups and downs and I know now that I have some work to do to keep me on the path of good juicy-ness!!! The biggest thing I’m trying to let go of is my EGO, the Kaci that was. I’m getting there. Also acceptance is key. I now realize that I have to accept this un-acceptable path in order to move onto and along this marvelous journey of my LIFE. Because this too was part of my story, and even in the darkness there is still light. I’m going to accept the darkness and hold onto the light, making it brighter everyday I’m here.

October 23, 2014

It’s an unusually rainy and grey morning here in Bend. The fire is warm, the coffee is strong, and the kids are in school. I will turn 43 in a few days and the day after my birthday will be my last visit to the cancer center infusion room. What a relief! A relief to feel my energy and positivity on the rise, a relief to have hair, even if it is a baby afro, a relief to just do the regular day to day tasks! What a gift!!! Everything has a new found sweetness, it was always there, I guess I was caught up the the BLUR! Slow down and really see the beauty, don’t let something monumental make you open your eyes and heart.

So, here’s to letting go of my year in the trenches, and opening into the rest of my LIFE!!!